Author: itskerryl

You

My heart flutters when I hear your name,

The memories flood back as the tears stream down my face.

Why am I like this? Why do I get emotional after all these years? Why do I still have feelings?

It baffles me that I could still fall for someone who kicked me around like dirt on the ground. It baffles me that at the end of the day, I will forever think you were perfect. It baffles me that although there’s this built of anger boiling in my body, I just smile and nod when I do bump into you.

What truly baffles me is that you don’t see the things you do to me, that you don’t acknowledge the pain I went through while I watched you move on so quickly while I was drowning in my tears. You say you’re sorry and I wish that was the case. But unfortunately I know deep down if you ever had any heartfelt love towards me, you would have never done what you did.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change everything, fix what happened. But when I do look back on the past, I know deep down you didnt love me. And it hurts. Fuck the worse thing to happen is for your favourite person to not love you back.

I wish things weren’t like this. Because God, those memories we created and the butterflies in the pits of my stomach fluttering by as you leaned down to kiss me. All of those feelings and moments with you, made me whole. I was on this rollercoaster moving up, and unfortunately I didn’t realise this fun jolly crazy rollercoaster ride would end. I didnt realise our love would end.

The light bulb inside of me

6th December 2020

Sometimes I feel that there’s something inside me that will eventually cause me to explode. Like a light bulb of some sort that burns inside me. You could say a triggering word or two and cause the bulb to flicker. Sometimes the bulb would have millions of cracks from the many hurtful and upsetting flickers in the past but so far, it’s still okay. I’m still okay.

I can’t seem to bottle those heart breaking, soul wrenching and head wrecking moments that I’ve been experiencing lately. I use to be so good at throwing the bottle in the back of my cupboard like a lost sock under my bed, and forget about it for weeks, months or even years. But now, its changed. Everything has changed.

Like today, my mother mentioned something about a girl I use to be best friends with. She unintentionally compared me to her and it brought back memories from years ago, where she constantly compared me to that girl. It’s suffocating to think about. As if I’m swimming in the middle of an ocean, and every comparison is an extra bucket of water being added to the ocean. Slowly but surely, I’ll eventually drown and all is left is the thought of not being good enough. I just wish she could say she was proud of the person I am. I just wish she didn’t feel the need to compare me to anything and be whole of the person I am. I just wish I was good enough.

I know, it must sound like I’m looking into something so much deeper than it should be looked at. I should just brush it over like dust lying in my room but that light bulb inside me wont stop flickering. One more comment and I’m on the edge of shattering the bulb.

So what do I do? Maybe its best to break that bulb inside me and let go of all the emotions? My biggest fear is not being able to let go and instead, I’ll end up entering this cold and dark cave of exile.

No exact definition for “perfection”

There will never be an exact definition for “perfection”.

Perfection is all an idea in your head that can make you overthink. For me, it’s the idea of a “perfect body” which can make billions of people self conscious. You must have a small waist, with no fat, and skinny legs. It’s this image in our heads which can change who we are.

But in every single thing, there will be a perfect idea. Relationships. Family. Life. Love. Even the perfect house.

I don’t think anyone will ever agree with the exact perfect idea’s another has. It’s like when a person tries to draw a love heart, but they see something wrong with it. Either it’s too fat, or it’s not completely symmetrical. Another person might see it as a perfect love heart, but they will never agree on the same thing.

I think there will always be this “second conscience” in our heads, second-guessing everything we do to perfection.

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The world needs to improve

I currently finished watching the black kkklansman movie and I really advise everyone to watch it. The movie is based on a true story about an american hero and it was released last year (2018). I didn’t know much about the ku klux klan(kkk) and presumed it dated back in the 1800’s but actually, it still continues to this day.

White Americans still believe in discriminating everyone else except themselves(white americans), which i find really stupid and shocking. I always knew our world needed improvement, but I didn’t know how much was needed to gain the same equality with races to genders.

After finishing the movie, it has made me question society today. As you may know there are so much happening nowadays with the James Charles and Tati Westbrook drama. And yes, it can be quite entertaining to watch, when you’re lying in bed with nothing to do. But there are definitely better things to be paying attention to, then drama about two famous celebrities having a fight over social media!

It’s incredible how news travels fast on the internet. Tati’s youtube video has been viewed 47 million times within a week, and it had trended all over the youtube community. Imagine the power someone could do, with those amount of views! They could talk about actual world issues such as poverty or climate change. Yet, this world full of people tend to focus on things that aren’t important at all. Things that they might forget about next week, and remember and laugh at in the future.

I really hope one day, some famous social influencer uses their power and fame to change the world for the better. To make viewers focus on better things than drama.

“They”

They make us question ourselves. Our ability to succeed and our failures. However they force us to decide our future at the age of 16. Yet, some of them never know what they want to become.

I can’t stand this heart wrenching pressure. I feel like my heart is beating inside of my head, and every beat becomes louder and louder. So loud, it eventually implodes my brain, leaving me with nothing, not even my own conscience. Then, the beating will stop.

The minute it stops, it’ll be when no adults will be patronizing me. I will be an adult myself and I will be free. Or that’s what I think.

Climate Change Protests?!

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On May 24th, thousands of Irish people will be uniting together to protest about climate change in the city of Dublin.

I believe that climate change is a very big concern for the future, and if we do not do something and try stop it from getting worse, it will be inevitable.

I think, these protests to fight for climate change are pointless. Yes, we need to make people be aware of this issue. But what does hours of campaigning with big signs do? Where’s the action in protesting and how does it stop climate change? Because it won’t.

Greed is one of the main causes why Climate Change continues. It’s the factories and big companies which create most of the pollution and greenhouse gases. These multi-billionaire companies know what they are doing, but their greed for money is more important. Money and fame is more important to them than saving the lives of their future grandchildren. It’s super sad, but it isn’t shocking to say the least. Greed has always existed in the world.

Obviously if these companies stopped polluting gas emissions, it would massively help end climate change. However, we need to stop pointing fingers, and blaming it on these companies because we’re all in this together. We are all part of the problem.

We all drive cars and pollute these harmful gases. We all use electricity to help heat our homes, or to cook our dinner. We all rely on fossil fuels such as oil and gas to assist us in our daily lives. And this needs to change.

If you don’t try to end climate change and do your little part, how do you expect world leaders to take part? Below, are some steps that I have written so you can do your little part to end it all.

1.Stop relying on vehicles, and walk or cycle instead.

2.Begin to rely on renewable energy.

3.Change light bulbs to LEDs. Quality LED light bulbs can last 25 times longer, are more durable, and use at least 75 percent less energy than other bulbs.

4.Wash clothes in cold water. Approximately 75 percent of the total energy use and greenhouse-gas emissions produced by a single load of laundry come from warming the water itself.

5. Recycle your clothes. The average American throws away about 80 pounds of clothing a year.

6.Don’t drink bottled water. Landfills already contain more than 2 million tons of plastic bottles. Buy a reusable water bottle instead

7.Take Public Transport.

8.Pick up trash. Bring a reusable bag with you, and pick up trash when you’re outside.

Encouraging more people to recycle and follow these steps, will be a bigger impact than protesting for climate change. Sometimes it’s the little things in life, that matters the most. And these 8 little steps, matter a lot.

If you ever stumble on some people who believe “climate change is not real” and you get in a heated argument. It is perfectly fine for them to believe what they believe. During the sixteen years of my life, I’ve come to learn that there will always be people who don’t agree with you in life, and you just have to accept it.

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“Pain is pain”

I have this quote stuck in my head all day, “pain is pain”. And I’m not entirely sure if I’ve seen it in a movie or read it in a book but I keep trying to search for this quote online and I’ve had no luck.

So what’s the meaning “pain is pain”?

I think it means that if you’re in pain emotionally or physically, and you see someone who’s in a more worse condition than you. Maybe you sprained your leg, but that other person is unable to walk. It’s okay to complain and give out about the pain you feel because at the end of the day, your pain is still pain.

“Pain is pain” refers that it is okay to be feeling angry, frustrated or upset when you’re in pain. Everyone feels pain in their lives, and we all understand why humans react the way they do.