6th December 2020

Sometimes I feel that there’s something inside me that will eventually cause me to explode. Like a light bulb of some sort that burns inside me. You could say a triggering word or two and cause the bulb to flicker. Sometimes the bulb would have millions of cracks from the many hurtful and upsetting flickers in the past but so far, it’s still okay. I’m still okay.

I can’t seem to bottle those heart breaking, soul wrenching and head wrecking moments that I’ve been experiencing lately. I use to be so good at throwing the bottle in the back of my cupboard like a lost sock under my bed, and forget about it for weeks, months or even years. But now, its changed. Everything has changed.

Like today, my mother mentioned something about a girl I use to be best friends with. She unintentionally compared me to her and it brought back memories from years ago, where she constantly compared me to that girl. It’s suffocating to think about. As if I’m swimming in the middle of an ocean, and every comparison is an extra bucket of water being added to the ocean. Slowly but surely, I’ll eventually drown and all is left is the thought of not being good enough. I just wish she could say she was proud of the person I am. I just wish she didn’t feel the need to compare me to anything and be whole of the person I am. I just wish I was good enough.

I know, it must sound like I’m looking into something so much deeper than it should be looked at. I should just brush it over like dust lying in my room but that light bulb inside me wont stop flickering. One more comment and I’m on the edge of shattering the bulb.

So what do I do? Maybe its best to break that bulb inside me and let go of all the emotions? My biggest fear is not being able to let go and instead, I’ll end up entering this cold and dark cave of exile.